Hilarious Quotes

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.
- Robert Fulghum

No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap.
- Carrie Snow

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
- Johnny Carson

Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
- George Bernard Shaw

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
- Samuel Butler

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
- Henry Fielding

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
- Quentin Crisp

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
- Joey Adams

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown